What the Hell is Happening?
by Snorkle
Summary: A new student comes to Hogwarts, but no one is responding to her charms, and "Dracie Pooh" doesn't take her up on her friendly offers.
1. Jelissia's First Day

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, I do own the Sue, but if you want you can have her.**

Jelissia Marlena was a beautiful young girl who had locks of dark blue with light blue streaks. She bounced happily on her four-post bed as she clutched her Hogwarts letter in her beautifully manicured hands.  Her cat-like ears twitched with joy, she would finally be attending the school of her secret crush…DRACO! 'He's so nummy.' She thought to herself while putting away the box of photos she had her private investigator take. Carefully tucking the nude ones away from her guardian's prying eyes.

She packed her things into a gold trim trunk her mother had given her when she was five. That was before Voldemort killed her, in a nasty battle. She would have her revenge, you could bet on it! Her silver eyes narrowed at the thought of getting him…and getting him good. She grabbed her Voldemort voodoo doll and threw it at the mirror while she cried angsty tears. Casually looking up from time to time to see if anyone was pitying her yet.

--

She arrived at the King's Cross right on time to catch the train, and as she walked to the entrance she noticed Harry. 'Might as well have a bit of fun with him before I get to my Dracie pooh!' she thought to herself, how wonderful she was scheming, Draco would be so proud! 'He'll love Evil!Jelissia.'

"Oh, Potter! Hello, my name is Jelissia Marlena. You may know me, I killed Voldemort's twin brother Voldermort, and then I saved my entire school, not to mention that bus load of orphans, that was before Voldermort cast his Cat-Girl curse on me, of course." She smiled her perfect smile and twisted her hair angelically. 'He'll definitely fall for me, who couldn't?'

"Does it look like I care?" Harry grabbed Hedwig's cage and walked off into his compartment quickly to lose this blue cat freak.

"What do you mean you don't care? Everyone cares about me!" Jelissia stomped her feet noisily against the floor of the hallway. She tried opening the door of his compartment but it wouldn't budge. Defeated she stalked her way down the aisle to an open cabin. In it were seventeen other girls piled from the floor to the ceiling. Some were fairies, some were elves, and there was even one girl who seemed to be a butterfly.

"Huh?"

"Grab a seat right here," Started a girl with purple eyes, "I think there'll be enough room if you don't breathe."

--

'Okay, we're at the castle. Dumbledore will announce that I'm a transfer student from America, and tell the all about my abilities and my horrible past and then they'll all love me. Especially my love Draco! Then finally I won't have to look at those grainy photos and bad Internet porn movies I have to download for seven dollars each! Okay, said a bit too much. Hee he.' 

"Next up, Marlena , Jelissia." Professor McGonagal tapped her foot impatiently as Jelissia strutted up to the stool, twirling around to make her dress fly up, and showing off her brilliant smile. "Just get up there!"

"Jeeze, how rude." Jelissia sat on the stool and suddenly saw the old filthy hat. "No washer here?" With a loud plop the hat fell over her face tickling her ears. 

"Oh not another one! From America? Special powers? Half cat? Definitely going to go to SPAZZLE!"

"Spazzle? What the hell is Spazzle? I'm supposed to be in Slytherin with Dracie Pooh!" Across the room Draco sneered at the use of the pet name. 

"I don't like mudbloods why would I like you? Half cat? Someone had a freaky dad. Who's your mom some tabby? McGonagal?"

"Mr. Malfoy making fun of Miss Marlena is just fine and dandy, but bring me into her lineage is most certainly not! Fifty house points!"

Jelissia's jaw dropped. 'How dare he!' She squinted her eyes to use her special laser eyes power, but nothing happened. She tried to fry his hair right off his nasty little head, but nothing happened. "Where are my powers?! Where are they? Give them back! Gimme 'um back now! I'm going to tell!"

"Miss Marlena, please sit down."

"But Professor, aren't you going to tell them about my mysterious past? Or my powers? Or how I can ride a horse and paint my toe nails pink at the same time?"

"No! SIT!"

"Yes, _Master_!" She said mockingly. 'How come these people aren't bowing down to me as their master?' Ron outstretched a foot just as Jelissia passed by, and she walked right into it. She wings didn't help either, they gave her just enough lift to fly over the Gryffindor table and land smack dab into some mashed potatoes. She picked her head up and wiped the potatoes out of her eyes. "What the hell is going on here?!"

~*~*~

Those who don't get what I'm doing will be mocked. 


	2. Stick Figures

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter; I do own the Sue, though I'm not that partial to her…so if you want her…**

After getting a quick bath Jelissia walked back calmly to her _room_. It was nothing like what she expected. She expected a room to herself, she wanted a room with her own bathroom, and she most defiantly **needed **a room with a house elf. How could she get by without a house elf to do all her bidding? It was impossible! "This isn't going how I planned! It isn't right at all! Oh well, still got my vibrat—err, I mean my Dracie Pooh!" 

It also didn't help that the Spazzle tower was just an old cardboard box with "SPAZZLE" spray-painted in pink and orange, on the side.

She slammed opened her door and out spilled more cosmetics than she'd ever seen before, and along with them was a very pale young girl with spiked arm bands, heavy eye makeup, and the blackest hair she'd seen since that other Goth girl had passed by a few minutes earlier. 

"Hello, My name is Jelissia Marlena, yes, I'm half cat, part fairy, I have silver eyes, a special power I like to call laser eyes, perfect skin, a charming personality, sparkling teeth, and blue hair. Oh, and what's your name?" Jelissia smiled brightly, she quickly primped up her hair, and flattened out the little creases across the front of her dress.

"Emerald Ruby Platinum Jade Amethysts, at your service!" She smiled, and Jelissia noticed that her teeth were also perfect, not to mention eerily white. 'Note to self: Add yellow dye to Emerald's toothpaste.'

"You're awful happy to be a Goth." Jelissia twirled her hair around; her thoughts were plagued of her angsty woes, but then again, there wasn't much room for anything else. She knew she shouldn't be thinking about them while talking to this girl, but the moment seemed opportune to tell you of her worries. 'Because we all know my problems are the most important ones!'

"I'll let you in on a secret. I have no clue what a Goth is, I just like putting on lots of make up! 'Tis uber fun!"

"Totally! We just may become good friends!"

*

On her way to class Jelissia repeatedly checked her make up, which was caked on, and it looked like she got in a fight with her eye shadow. 'Perfect! I'm so hot, Draco will have to love me now!'

"Nice that you could join us Ms. Marlena, fifty points from Spazzle for being late!" Professor Snape raised his eyebrow slightly, in what could be taken as a face of amusement. Though, his "amusement" and "evil" faces do kind of look the same. 

"You can't do that! We're already at negative one hundred and seventy-five!" Jelissia shouted in anger. But after seeing the look on Snape's face, she calmed down, and started drawing little stick figures of Draco and her having stick figure sex. 

'This is so **hot**!'

*

"He took it away!" She screamed, as Emmy, short for Emerald, tried to calm her down. "It was my masterpiece! It was my **soul**!" Jelissia's parchment with the stick figures had been taken away after Pansy grabbed it up and flaunted around class.

"Wow! Does it hurt?" Emerald looked at stared in awe, her jade colored eyes changing rapidly to silver and then to cyan.

"Does what hurt?" 

"You know, having Snape take away your soul!"

"Not really, but then again, I do have some me/Draco stick figure porn I made with a GIF animator, at my house. It's amazing what you can find on the Internet." She stops crying and her eyes amazingly show no sign of redness. 

"I thought having your soul taken away would hurt..."

"See! You'd be no where without my guidance. Now, do you want to go solve a riddle or mystery before Harry can? He always gets all the attention, I never get attention...Why aren't you giving me attention?!"

"Sorry!" Emerald was dancing around the room to the music styling of Jessica Simpson. She had apparently, somehow, gotten past that pesky 'electronic devices don't work at Hogwarts' thing. 

*

"Lets eat!" Someone called from the back of the room. All the girls of the Spazzle tower/cardboard box went running into The Great Hall. They each grabbed a seat and started pigging out on everything; each of them after all had the power to eat as much as they wanted with out gaining an ounce. 

"I think I'm going to be sick," Harry started, "That girl over there just gnawed through a turkey leg." In fact the entire table was stuffing food into their mouth like there was no tomorrow. "Do they feed these kids?"

"They do look like they need a bit of fatting up, most of them look as though they haven't eaten in years!" Hermione put her spoon full of pudding back down as she saw Jelissia choking down a bowl of it.

"Doesn't it hurt swallowing the whole bowl?"  

~*~

Thank you to all my reviewers; your support is appreciated, though I would like someone to not get it. Just for a good mock or two. 


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